8 01 2009


I think I just got Palinroll’d.

I’m sifting through today’s snail mail when I see an envelope marked, ‘Office of the Governor of Alaska.’



A) Why won’t this woman go away and B) what the hell am I doing on a distribution list for Alaska’s state office? Does written correspondence have an ‘UNSUBSCRIBE’ button?

After having Ralphie (didn’t know he’s SWAT dog now, didya?) screen for anthrax and explosives, I cracked this bad boy open only to find some good old SPAM:


[emphasis mine]

Dear Neighbor [I’m willing to bet Palin isn’t aware of the distance separating DC and Alaska. Neighbors are people I can walk to and borrow sugar from],

As Governor of Alaska, I am pleased to tell you about a very special offer [SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!]: now you can receive an official Alaska travel guide—absolutely FREE. This isn’t some skimpy brochure—this is a full-color publication [always overcompensating for something, aren’t you?], as bold and exciting as Alaska. Just imagine [oh, LET’S!]:

  • Watchable wildlife, outdoor photography, camping, fishing, clamming, hunting, hiking and nature walks [and of course, all the OxyContin you can grind up and snort].
  • Breathtaking glaciers, deep blue fjords, the midnight sun or dazzling auruora borealis, rain forests, volcanic landscapes and the Arctic Circle [visit now because I’m in the process of raping all of these natural wonders into oblivion!].
  • Rafting [which I’m pretty sure is code], a dog sled ride [meth], Eskimo blanket toss [black-tar heroin], panning for gold [all the under-aged teens you can impregnate—take home a souvenir!], relaxing in fine restaurants [our Ruby Tuesday’s is BEYOND], discovering our Alaska Native and Russian cultural roots [Russia’s right around the block, y’all!].

To get full value out of your visit to Alaska [take Bill Kristol—he’s all up in my junx 24/7], you’ll want the free Alaska travel guide. You’ll learn about our comfortable weather [just a few more years of pumping carbon into the atmosphere and 80º summers are here!]—how easily you can visit us [‘National Review’ cruises are a STEAL]—and much more!

I hope you’ll come to Alaska soon [so we can draft you into our secessionist militia], and I urge you to use the enclosed card to send for your free Alaska travel guide right away. It’s an official publication, so there’s no obligation. But please write today—we’ve run out of copies in the past. In the meantime, visit our website at We look forward to hearing from you.

With warm regards,

Sarah Palin


Okay. Still alive. Did anyone else receive this lovely correspondence from America’s resident Ice Queen?

I’m off to Google the symptoms of anthrax poisoning. Will return if not coughing up blood.




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